Lost

Lost is the feeling I felt,
Long before you were gone,
Always claiming it was the hand I was dealt.
I look back on my thirty-three,
And slowly add up my life,
And this is what I see.
A life frozen at the time of your death,
Wondering why,
I still had a breath.
I struggled to see,
Beyond
You
And
Me.
You became immortalized,
And I became afraid,
To be alive.
Numbness took over,
And purposeful distance with all,
Became my cover.
The internal struggle raged,
As I could not see beyond,
You at my center stage.
Days turns to weeks, weeks into months, and months into years.
And a heart became barricaded,
By a lifetime of fears.
Ten years after you were gone,
Somehow I finally found a way,
To carry on.
Love at first sight,
Shook me to my core,
For now I needed to fight,
For the lost soul I wanted no more.
Searching to find,
Who laid with in me,
I know saw I was one of a kind.
Through the struggle and strife,
Of once being lost,
I now see a shiny new life,
That I will achieve at any cost.
I worked so hard,
To stray from being you,
That I became someone
I never knew.
But as the walls came down,
And I saw you in me,
I erased the frown,
And let me be free.

Seventeen Years and Counting...

Dear Sam...

February 10, 1996... The day that changed everything. 

If I knew how my day would have ended I would have never gotten up that morning. I would have slept forever so I did not have to feel the pain of your loss.

I remember so many things about that day...
I remember waking up to go to my track meet bright and early. The meet was at New York Chiropractic College and I was so excited to call you and see if you and Phil could make it out.

I remember putting the quarter in the payphone over and over again as I tried to call. It was always busy. I got so frustrated because all I wanted to do was get a hole of you. I wanted you to see me throw and hang out for a while. I would later learn that I could not get through because at 16 I did not realize that I was in a different area code. Sam I spent years blaming myself for being so dumb. For not reaching you and Phil before you got into that car. I hated myself. I could not believe three numbers separated us from another 16 years together. Do not worry though, I know now that it was not my fault. I have worked through it and now that life does have a plan but it took a long time to get there but I eventually got there.

I remember that stomach ache that crept in at 7pm and left just as quickly at 730pm. I had been hanging out with my friends. Laying around playing cards or eating snacks while we waited for our event. And then it happened. My body knew something was wrong. I think about how awful I felt for those 30 minutes. My body knew. It knew you were gone. You died in those 30 minutes. Those 30 minutes mean so much to me. They are the definition of our sisterhood. The definition of our friendship. They define how connected we were and still are today.

I remember the cold, wet, hard ground of the parking lot as I collapsed to the ground when I learned what happened during those 30 minutes. Mom was in Florida with David, and Dad was with Paul at the hospital. I stepped off the bus and saw Mrs. Berry. She came up to and said dad had called her to see if she could pick me up because he had to go someplace at the last minute. I did not think twice about it. She was family, but it was when I saw Father Roy. In that moment, it happened. My life stopped being the life that I knew. I sank it the ground when I found out you were gone. I sat there lost. Unsure what to do. What do you do when you lose your hero, the person you aspire to be, your sister, your second mom, and your best friend. I was surrounded with love though. I remember the faces of my track coaches, Mrs. Berry, and Father Roy. I remember the concerned faces of my teammates. Eventually I got into the car and made it home.

I remember a blue Umbro sweatshirt and grey sweatpants. I walked into our house which was filled with all of our family friends. I was pulled into hugs by each person. People who knew me before I knew them . They were our second family and I feel so grateful for those hugs now. After many hugs I went upstairs alone. I took a shower hoping to wash it away. If I could wash away the feeling then maybe it was not real. But when I was back in my room, dressed in sweatshirt and sweatpants, it feel even more real then it did before the shower. The reality set in when dad walked in that door. You know dad, he does not cry. He loves us with every ounce of him but he is so stoic and composed in all things he does. The tears of our dad made it real.

The loss of you is so real. It still hurts. I miss you everyday. These last few days I have missed you more then usual. The realness of your loss seems to be greater this year then in the past because this year Sam, I am finally alive. I have moved beyond the numbness that took over when you left. I see life in a new light. I wish I could have figured it out sooner, but then I would not be here, right now, with a life I love and am happy in living.

Sam, you may have left this earth to early, but you have never left me. I feel you all of the time and I know you are giving me the little nudges I need to live the life you know I should be living.

Thank you for your love.
I love you today as much as I loved you 17 years ago today.

MK